motherhood, conflicted | san francisco mama & photographer

Just read this interesting article on salon.com called “Everybody Hates Mommy” by Lynn Harris. As I was reading it, I identified with, well, all of it. The parts about being “too much” of a mommy (feeling ridiculous for talking to a newborn baby in public, as if he understood my explanations about how now it’s time to cross the street or pay for the coffee). The parts about being seen as “not enough” of a mommy (because I was working and wouldn’t be able to make it to a playdate that would probably be in my child’s best interest, or because Sesame Street got turned on so mommy could return a few emails). And even the parts about the unmatched perceptions of motherhood and fatherhood, how the majority of parenting does still fall on women. I often get asked when I’m out working, “oh is your husband with Jack today?”. A fair question from the person I’m talking with, for sure. Except I know Luke has never once been asked while at work, “oh is your wife with Jack today?”. It’s just expected and assumed that a man works full-time. When a woman works, everyone asks who’s taking care of babe. This isn’t something that offends me. Just something I find interesting. A subtle communication that shows a lot about our expectations, surely something I’m guilty of too.

The thing I took away from this article was the sense of conflict all of us feel as mothers. We get it from the outside world to some degree but more than anything, we do it to ourselves. Constantly asking ourselves and measuring against other mamas: are we doing too much or too little? Are we working/doting/caretaking too much or too little? Is our child better for being in childcare and around other personalities or worse for not being with mommy and daddy? Is Sesame Street rotting their brains (oh, that evil television) or giving them a break from constant mommy interaction, a chance to play independently and relax?

What I wish I could do is just say to myself: it’s good enough.